I RESOLUTELY RESOLVE TO MAKE REALISTIC RESOLUTIONS

The last day of the year is here, and I don't know about you, but I couldn't be happier to see 2009 ride off into the sunset. According to a new Associated Press poll, a majority of Americans are happy that 2009 is over. And a whopping 82% of respondents are optimistic about 2010. I hope they're right!

Yesterday I posted my New Year's column from 2002. Today I'm posting my New Year's column from 2001. I know, I know, I should've posted the older column first, but I completely forgot about it until this morning, which is why one of my New Year's resolutions for 2010 is to improve my memory. (I just hope I remember that resolution tomorrow.) Happy New Year!
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© December 2001 Mark W. Mayfield

I RESOLUTELY RESOLVE TO MAKE REALISTIC RESOLUTIONS

It’s hard to believe, but 2001 is history. (I don’t know about you, but I’m SO ready for 2001 to be history.) And that means it’s time for my inspirational New Year’s resolutions column! Let’s get started.

I resolve to limit my consumption of chocolate-chip cookie dough to three heaping tablespoons per week, unless I’m planning to do extra sit-ups, in which case I’ll eat as much as I want.

I resolve to stay calm when my wife says that I sometimes behave like a child. I resolve to not yell, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” after I fail to stay calm when my wife says that I sometimes behave like a child.

I resolve to not say, “You look like a slob!” when my son wears his baggy pants and unlaced sneakers. I resolve to not say, “You look like my son!” when I see a genuine slob.

I resolve to ignore my teenage daughter when she accuses me of being “too strict.”
I resolve to stick to my decision to ground my daughter for two years, revoke her driving privilege for three years, and make her perform two hours of strenuous military calisthenics every morning. (After all, such punishment is completely appropriate for a girl who didn’t come home until almost FOUR minutes after her curfew. An effective father can’t tolerate that kind of blatant disobedience.)

I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a seven-week-old puppy to chew on expensive sheepskin slippers. I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a seven-week-old puppy to have an occasional “accident” on the carpet. I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a 43-year-old man to get really, really mad at a seven-week-old puppy.

I hate to do this, but I must reluctantly change horses in the middle of a stream.

One of the many valuable lessons I learned in columnist school is that digressing in the middle of a column is unacceptable. Such indecisiveness causes the reader to question the writer’s credibility. However, in this case, I have no other choice, because after writing the preceding resolutions, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to keep any of them. Of course, I could start the entire column over again, but if I did that, I won’t finish it before the kickoff of a very good college football game. Therefore, I will now continue the column with a few realistic resolutions.

I resolve to be more truthful in my columns, and I will start right now. I never actually attended columnist school. I lied, and I’m very ashamed of myself. However, I told the truth about the football game. It starts in ten minutes.

I resolve to stop using profanity. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a man who frequently uses naughty words, but sometimes, usually when my stupid lawnmower won’t start, a certain expletive slips out, and it’s a real doozy. It’s the same word that an angry coach might use during an argument with an umpire, the same word that a drill Sergeant might use to frighten new recruits. I also resolve to stop using dumb words, including “doozy,” and dumb expressions, including “change horses in the middle of a stream.”

I resolve to not read any book endorsed or written by Oprah Winfrey.

I resolve to not rob a convenience store while wearing a ski mask.

I resolve to not help hostile countries acquire weapons of mass destruction.

I resolve to not to allow my daughter to become an exotic dancer.

I hope that my noble New Year’s resolutions have inspired you to make a few of your own. For readers who can’t think of any, here’s a good suggestion: Resolve to leave a nice comment for your favorite blogger. His name is Mark Mayfield.

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