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© 2003 Mark W. Mayfield
According to a recent survey, I am now one of “America’s Top Ten Cool Dads.” The survey, which polled two average American teenagers who happen to live in my house, included these questions:
1. Do most of your teenage friends believe that you have the coolest dad in America?
2. Do most of your teenage friends love and admire your dad because he’s able to interact with them on a juvenile level?
3. Are most of your teenage friends astounded by your dad’s semi-youthful appearance and adolescent sense of humor?
4. When most of your friends rave about your “incredibly cool dad,” do you agree with them?
5. In your opinion, does your father belong on the prestigious list of America’s Top Ten Cool Dads?
(Before participating in the survey, the teenagers received these instructions: “Please respond to each question truthfully, but remember that answering ‘no’ will mean that you’ll never again be allowed to borrow the car, that you’ll never again be allowed to stay out after 7:30 on Saturday nights, and that you’ll never again be allowed to use my telephone, eat my food, watch my TV, celebrate holidays with me, etc.”)
But despite my remarkable rapport with young people, I still don’t know how to correctly shake hands with my teenage son and his friends. It’s not as easy as it sounds. These days, shaking hands with a teenage boy is a whole different ball game. It’s a complicated, multi-part endeavor that takes approximately 25 minutes to complete–even longer if you make a mistake and have to start over.
When I was my son’s age, I knew only one handshake. It’s the one my father taught me, the good ol’ basic American handshake that greets friends, celebrates victories, seals deals and ends arguments. It’s a quick, simple gesture that involves nothing more than a firm grip, two or three vertical forearm pumps, and a smooth release. It varies only slightly when a man shakes hands with a woman, at which time he adjusts his grip pressure to approximately 40 percent of it’s maximum and reduces his up-and-down forearm travel to roughly half the distance required for an all-male handshake. (And while I’m on the subject of same-sex handshakes, let me make one thing perfectly clear: I believe that any man who enjoys watching a woman shake hands with another woman is a disgusting sicko who need professional counseling. Furthermore, I strongly support harsh punishment for those smut peddlers who operate seedy adult web sites that display provocative photos of women engaging in girl-to-girl handshaking. That’s all I’m going to say about the subject.)
Modern teenage boys aren’t satisfied with the primitive handshake of their fathers’ generation. They constantly invent new, creative, complex handshakes that twist, turn, spin, slide, bump, flip, slap and snap. Although these newfangled handshakes are entertaining to watch, they’re bad news for cool dads like me who attempt to perform them. To illustrate my point, I’ll now recount a recent embarrassing meeting with one of my son’s teenage friends.
Me: (Extending my right hand and flawlessly performing the first six parts of the official teenage-boy handshake) Wussup, dude? (Translation: What have you been doing lately, my pimply-faced teenage friend?)
Teenage boy: (Obviously surprised and impressed by my amazing ability to participate in the official teenage-boy handshake) Nothin’. (Translation: “I’m a lazy teenage boy who stuffs his face with junk food and plays video games all day.”)
Me: (Becoming extremely nervous because I suddenly forgot how to perform the next nine parts of the official teenage-boy handshake) That’s cool. (Translation: “That’s cool.”)
Teenage boy: (Laughing loudly because I mistakenly performed the fist-bump part of the handshake BEFORE the palm-slide part and AFTER the finger-snap part) See ya’ later, Mr. Mayfield. (Translation: What a doofus! You don’t deserve a spot on the prestigious list of America’s Top-Ten Cool Dads!)
Me: HEY, DUDE! PLEASE COME BACK AND LET ME TRY THE HANDSHAKE AGAIN! I’LL GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!
In conclusion, here’s my sage advice for anybody who’s thinking about shaking hands with a teenage boy: Forget about it.
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